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What Women Want and What Men Want in Tango 
- Teo and Marsha Bartek

  “I think that at the core of it all, a woman really wants a man’s attention on her. Men sometimes do anything to avoid putting their attention on the woman they are dancing with. That’s why some men would rather do steps, complex patterns, and athletic moves or spend time improvising steps during a tango with a woman. All this avoids the woman, avoids the heart connection with her, and avoids the intimacy that this inherent in tango.

There is nothing more sensual than the woman or man having their full attention on each other. As women, we don’t get this kind of attention from anyone during our hectic day-to-day life. Tango is the one place where this sensual interpersonal attunement can take place.

But many of us, both men and women, cannot get out of the objective world of doing and get into the subjective world of being and feeling. That is why my husband and I teach Tango From The Heart. I think tango is an expression of something very deep in out hearts. When we express it we are not losing anything or giving anything away. What we have in our hearts was never ours anyway. For, it came from the Divine and it is meant to be shared.”

—Marsha Bartek

If you believe that Argentine tango is a male-female interaction as we do, then reading this article is a must! It will tell you how to perfect your male or female role in tango.

What Women Want in Tango

The Ideal Tango Male is:

Self-confident: He is certain of where he stands and where he is going. His has a confidence that includes the woman. He is not all “puffed up”, detached or aloof in any way. He is confident in a way that inspires the woman’s confidence and trust in him.

Reliable: He is attentive to his responsibilities and can be counted on to direct the interaction with the woman. He leads strongly and clearly so that the woman can enjoy dancing without the stress of guessing what he wants her to do.

Sensitive and Caring: He takes care of the woman and takes responsibility for her enjoyment, her safety and her well-being. Her protects her on the dance floor. He considers her needs and desires in a way that pleases her. He is sensitive to how she responds to different steps. He is sensitive to how she moves and what she enjoys. He is aware. Does she like smooth and slow figures? Does she like an intense and passionate expression of tango? Different women enjoy different things. The tango male attunes himself to what pleases his partner. He should match the woman’s emotion. She gives up control of the dance to him. He makes the decisions with her happiness foremost in his mind.

Marsha remembers a special dance she had with a milonguero at El Tasso Milonga in Buenos Aires. The man felt a tenderness and sweetness about Marsha and created a dance all around this sweetness. At one point he put her on each knee like she was a cherished loved one in his life. This was truly a three-minute romance. Marsha loved it, and he could feel that she was enjoying it, so he was happy giving her this experience. He was so touched by the dance that he later invited Marsha and I to a private tango party at his friend’s home in Buenos Aires. 

Another night, Teo danced with three young women sitting at the same table. Two were Argentine and one was French. The first Argentine woman loved close embrace and was very affectionate and passionate. The French woman loved to have fun and enjoyed intense dramatic moves. She loved to tease and flirt and be playful. 

Teo thought the third woman was going to be the same, but she was very different. She felt the music deeply and had a tender feeling about her. She enjoyed romance and wanted a smooth, lyrical dance with no drama or abruptness to jar her out of her reverie. Teo danced the way the ladies most enjoyed dancing, and they loved dancing with him.

Focused on the Woman: He always has his attention on the woman. He doesn’t let his mind wander, look around the room, look at other women or look at himself in the mirror. He pays attention to where her weight is. He is careful to give her a comfortable handhold. He makes sure he doesn’t put a cold or sweaty hand on her back. He doesn’t pull her clothing when doing turning steps. 

Well Groomed: He smells good, using high quality cologne or aftershave, which is not too blatant. His breath smells good. He showers and uses a good underarm deodorant. He eliminates any irritating facial, ear, or nose hair. He dresses smartly. He wears clean smelling, freshly laundered shirts for tango. If he has a tendency to sweat, he brings a change of shirts so that women don’t have to get his sweat all over their hair and clothes.

Composed: He isn’t eager to impress the women or other dancers with his steps. He doesn’t show off. He doesn’t loose his self-control. He never complains about anything; and he doesn’t let minor irritations bother him, which can be a real turn-off to women.

Builds Trust: He is confident in his approach. He is confident in his embrace of the woman. He is confident throughout the dance. He always makes the woman feel good about herself. He builds her confidence and trust in him by starting off with easy steps so she can be a success from the start. He gradually initiates what he feels she can easily do. With each small success she becomes more and more confident in her ability to be successful with him.

He never attempts to do steps that are too difficult for his partner, and is aware of her level of expertise. He also knows that if she can’t follow him, it might be the way he is leading the step, and doesn’t mentally blame her. He never tries to show-off or impress anybody on the dance floor.

Generous and Kind: He dances with women who don’t get asked to dance, just to make them feel better about themselves. When he first embraces a woman, he has complimentary thoughts about her in his arms. He finds something to like about her. She will feel that he is someone she can trust, who won’t make her feel bad. She is putting herself under his control, and doesn’t want him to use that control to hurt her.

Women are insecure enough already. They worry about every little detail of their appearance. If a man finds something to appreciate about her, she will feel more secure. After a few dances he can compliment her on something that is appealing to him.

Above all, he is grateful that he is dancing with her, grateful that he has this unique, beautiful human being in his arms. He always finds something to be grateful about.

Talks a Little Before Embracing: He takes a half a minute to feel the music, then he embraces the woman. He lingers in the embrace a while, savoring the newness of this closeness, and the intimacy he has achieved with this unique woman.

Silent During the Dance: He is silent while dancing, focusing on the non-verbal sensations and subtle communication between them. He knows the dance is much more intimate, alluring and satisfying in silence.

Never Criticizes: He never puts down or criticizes a woman if she can’t follow his lead. He adjusts his lead to the physical and mental abilities of the woman. If she can’t follow a step, he lets her try it a few times so that she can be successful doing it. But he never pushes it on her, or tries to instruct her on the dance floor. If she wants to work on the step with him, he takes her off the dance floor, and discusses the step in a location where it will not disturb the other dancers.

Realizes that Tango is a Three Minute Romance and Doesn’t Expect More: He realizes that tango is a role-play where women open their hearts and dance with passion and intimacy. He doesn’t let this go to his head. He knows that the woman he dances with may already be married or in a relationship with someone else, and that the feeling and intimacy they express is part of the tango dance. He doesn’t misconstrue this to be more that what it is. He knows that her tango expressiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that she wants anything more than a dance.

Playful Attitude: He is playful and light-hearted. He jokes with her in between dances, is humorous and teases her. He dances like he is having fun. He is not overly serious and grim. That is a real turn-off for women. 

Approaches Most Women in a Re-assuring Manner: When he first approaches a woman for a dance who doesn’t know him, in the first thirty seconds she will be looking for signs that it is going to be okay dancing with him. She may be feeling nervous or a little uncertain. He approaches with an attitude that everything is going to be all right. He will smile or nod or use facial expressions to signal, “Everything is going to be great!” He will have the intention of re-assuring her when he approaches. 

He will be her supporter. He will let her know non-verbally that he knows and understands how she feels, and he gives her the re-assurance that she needs. She is then able to feel comfortable dancing with someone she has never met before. By simply thinking about the woman and her feelings he sets himself apart from all the men who just think about themselves when they approach a woman for a dance.

He uses eye contact to show her that he is strong and unafraid to take the initiative with her. He maintains eye contact with her. He never averts his eyes. This tells a woman a lot about him. It makes him seem confident. If he lowers his eye contact before she does, it signals to her that he lacks confidence and self-esteem. He might seem weak, and it appears that he may have something to hide—some hidden agenda that he doesn’t want her to know about.

He approaches quickly and directly, without stopping to “hover” around the woman. This stalking kind of behavior in men is weird and gives women the creeps. She knows he wants to dance with her, so he just goes right up to her and invites her to dance. 

In Buenos Aires the “rules’ are different. The man gets the woman’s eye contact and nods toward the dance floor and she nods her acceptance and meets him on the dance floor. The man can be on the other side of the room; he doesn’t need to be near the woman to do this. Men never approach women at milongas in Buenos Aires, unless they are from other parts of the world.

Approaches Women Who Intimidate Men, with an Attitude that Inspires Trust: Some women, by their looks and demeanor, make men feel insecure. Most men fear the Brittany Spears or Pamela Anderson type of woman. They intimidate men. These women, on the inside, are as insecure as most women are; but they cover it up by projecting a power image that intimidates men. 

The ideal tango male reassures them in a different way. These women are used to men doing everything or saying anything to gain their favor. They don’t trust what men say, because they rightly believe that the men will say or do anything to impress them. He reassures this kind of women by acting completely different than most men. If he wants to compliment her, instead of complimenting her on her looks, he compliments her on something that isn’t as obvious, her intelligence, her insightfulness, her wisdom or her good judgment. 

He doesn’t put her on a pedestal. He has dignity and doesn’t let her walk all over him just to get on her good side. He finds something about her that is a flaw and he comments on it in a humorous teasing way, like a big brother. He acts in a way that signals to her that he is not seeking her approval. He never acts in a way that makes him seem like he is supplicative to her. He doesn’t ask her to dance, saying “May I please have a dance with you.” Instead, he says, “Let’s dance.” With a body posture and a look in his eyes that signals to her that he is a strong masterful male who is used to having women respect him and that he will be fun to dance with. He signals that he is composed in her presence; he won’t start to stalk her or get weird about her.

Courteous and Chivalrous. When entering the room with a date he allows her to walk in front, following the host or hostess to the table. He seats the woman behind the table, while he takes a seat on the side of the table next to her. She is protected behind the table while he is in a position that is more exposed. He may put his arm around her shoulders in a protective, cherishing way.

When dancing, he allows the music to move his emotions. Then he translates that feeling into dance steps. He leads by communicating that feeling to her. He is always in charge, moving smoothly and effortlessly. He never moves abruptly or suddenly or clumsily. He never pushes or pulls the lady with his arms. He uses his torso, back and legs to lead her gently. He feels the woman’s energy and dances accordingly. He never forces the lady into doing steps she is uncomfortable with.

He is in charge, but he lets her set the boundaries and tone of the interaction. He always dances in a way that makes the woman feel good about herself and about him. He never disturbs or interferes with the other couples.

Plays The Receptive Role Allowing Time for the Woman to Express Herself: He is receptive as well as directive in his role as leader. He dances with elegant control. He never rushes to do step after step without any break. As a masterful male tango dancer he pauses, sometimes allowing the woman an opportunity to embellish and express herself. He is sensitive to the opportunities for her to initiate adornments, while he waits and receives this intimate communication from her.

He feels the music and pauses, often to just to be with the woman and the feeling in the moment. He is receptive to cues from her, when she wants to embellish, when she wants to pause and feel some emotion, when she wants to do a certain step or move in a certain way. 

Marsha danced with many Argentine milongueros in Buenos Aires who we were very sensitive and yielded to her desires on the dance floor. They gave her time to move the way she wanted and to do some social adornments for him. And they show their appreciation for the special saw she put on for them. One Argentine man in Miami started fanning himself when Marsha did one of her high kicks and an amague while looking in his eyes. He said, “You are going to give me a heart attack!” She loved his vocal response to her teasing antics and he was having a great time dancing with her!

Dances to the Music. He dances to a particular piece of music being played. He never carelessly does a series of pre-set steps without attention to how they fit with the music. If the tango is fast and rhythmic he doesn’t do large sweeping steps that have nothing to do with the music, because he wants to show off. He always dances on the beat. After pausing, he starts dancing again on the beat.

Ends the Dance Gracefully: After the music stops, he holds her in his arms a few moments, treating her like the treasure she is. 

What Men Want in Tango

The Ideal Tango Female is:

Prepared to Dance Tango: Has taken the time to become skillful in women’s tango technique. She takes an interest in her technique and she takes the time to learn how to follow a man easily and smoothly. She learns how to adjust to each man’s unique style and wait for his lead.

Reserved and Elusive: She is slow to reveal herself. She doesn’t let the man know everything about her immediately. She parcels out her embellishments, using them for maximum effect. She never shows off or imposes her style of tango on the man.

Sensitive: She carefully calibrates the man, his size, shape, weight, agility and skill level. She also gauges his personality. Is he impulsive? Is he reserved? Is he playful? Is he exuberant? Is he slow, fast and dramatic or timid? She finds something to appreciate in each man. If the man is reserved, she dances in a reserved way that is comfortable for him. If the man is bold, she matches his boldness.

Focused: To be receptive, she focuses all of her attention on the man she is with and appreciates him. She doesn’t look around the room at other men, wishing she were dancing with someone else. Once she accepts a dance with a man, she commits herself to making it the best dance possible. She is quiet and centered inside. 

Doesn’t Try Too Hard To Please: She dances for herself and doesn’t rush to please the man. Focused inward, she waits for his lead, and then she does her own dance.

Sometimes women try to please the man too much. They anticipate and try to guess what he wants her to do next. They rush ahead to show him they already know the step. Then they miss his lead and get out of synch with the man. When this happens the woman is not there, and the man is dancing alone.

Never Apologizes Unnecessarily: She is never excessive in her apologies. “Opps, I’m sorry.” Or “That didn’t work out, let’s try that again” are okay. But excessive apology is distracting. It disrupts the dance. It breaks the emotional connection with the man. Sometimes, it is a hidden way for the woman to seek validation and approval from the man. It is not tango. It’s like the woman saying, “Let’s talk about how bad a dancer I am.” Or “I am a bad dancer, won’t you please still like me because I’m so nice and self-effacing.” This is boring and a real turn off for men.

Willing: She matches the man’s confidence with her willingness. She has a happy, positive attitude. She is accepting, grateful and confident that the dance with him is going to be fun!

Pays Attention To The Man: She knows who she is. She wants to dance and she wants to have fun. She dances with the idea of including the man.
When a man finds out that a woman is not paying attention to him and his leads, he responds accordingly. He will distance himself from the woman. The result is a very mechanical dance with a modest amount of enjoyment, but ultimately unfulfilling.


Feminine: She identifies herself as a female. She is not only a dancer and a follower. In this interaction she is above all a woman. Outside of tango she acts in many different roles, she’s a professional, she’s a mother, and she is polite and reserved. Tango is an opportunity for a woman to play a purely feminine role in a man-woman interaction. 

She is subjective, not objective. She is not trying to get somewhere or do something. She is all about spending pleasurable moments with the man. She doesn’t dance unconsciously like she is passing some stranger on the street. She projects her feminine energy. She finds her own style, lets herself be seen by the man and interacts with him as a woman acts only with a man.

She remembers that this is a role-play. It is not real. It is all for the fun and enjoyment of the dance and to express a side of your persona that is not usually expressed in everyday life.

Copyright 2005, Theodore and Marsha Bartek
All Rights Reserved